My first grade teacher devised an elaborate system for going to the bathroom. Raise 1 finger if you need to "go number 1" and raise 2 fingers if you need to "go number 2." I was shy and didn't want to participate in the bathroom play calling system opting to go in between classes instead.
I was sitting in class on an April afternoon and realized that I needed to go to the bathroom. I had two options - use the play calling system or wait until after class. I, of course, decided to go after class. 30 minutes to go. I can do this. 25 minutes to go. Ok, it hurts a little, but stay strong. 20 minutes. Ok, I give up. I'm going to use the play calling system. Shit, I've forgotten the play calling system. Shit, do I stick up 1 finger or 2 fingers? I'm going to get in trouble if I put up the wrong number of fingers. What do I do? I chose to stick up my hand and alternate between 1 and 2 fingers. The teacher informed me that I should wait 5 minutes and then I could go. I knew I wasn't going to make it.
The next thing I knew I was pissing my pants. Every time the urine started to fill up in my chair I pinched the stream off until the overflowing piss soaked into my pants. Then I went again. I went until my bladder was empty. Every last drop of piss.
One of my classmates looked at my pants realizing they were wet. He started touching them. I don't mean a brief touch - he was literally rubbing his hands all over my urine soaked pants to the point that his hands started to get a little wet. I told him I went down the slide at recess (it was raining that day) and he believed me. I'll always remember him as the guy who rubbed his hands all over my pissed pants because I forgot the bathroom play calling system. That guy is a lawyer now.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Mailbag #1
It has been incredibly busy around the office, but I wanted to take the chance to answer some of the great emails that have come this way in the last few weeks. There have been emails about the historical election, some about sports, some pop culture stuff, and other random topics. Here is a taste:
1. Hi Ollivander! I recently read that with Obama becoming our 44th president-elect, most of our economic woes will be washing away. Where should I be looking for improvements in my life?
- Justine from Lower Marion, PA
Great to hear from you, Justine. I think that the most obvious place to look for improvements from the Bush regime (note the use of the word regime, and not administration) is dramatic price difference behind the gas pump. During the height of the war of gas prices, I was paying upwards of $3.84 per gallon. With a 16 gallon tank on a fuel-efficient Toyota, I was paying approximately $61 just to fill it up. Add that up, and here is what you get: $61 per week, $244 per month, and $2928 per year; with my car's shelf life at about 10 years, that is $29,280 in gas for the life of the car. This is a bit absurd, and I blame much of this on Bush's fundamentally broken foreign policy. This is a consequence that we have had to pay, and I did not ask for this. As a result of Obama's win, prices have dropped to about $1.89 per gallon. Let's do the math again: to fill up my 16 gallon tank, it now cost about $30 per week, $120 per month, and $1440 per year. The difference between a Bush administration receipt at the pump and a soon-to-be-Obama administration is $1448. I should add that this is not even full-court-press Obama: he is only in transition. Justine: President-Elect Obama does not even need a stimulus package; Obama has single-handily crafted an economic scheme to trickle down from the pumps to the pockets. Our wallets will be bigger from the savings in gas prices, which will allow the number of foreclosures to decrease, and for the prices of commodities to drop when demand and supply reshift its equilibrium to a state that is both sustainable and efficient. And, it is only November.
2. Ollie-- what do you think about Peodria winning the MPV award hands-down over Yoooooooooouk? Would you be pissed if you were Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk?
- Sam (President-Elect of Red Sox Nation) from Needham, MA
Sam, what a great question. I think the biggest thing that the beat writers were looking for was attitude. Numbers help, don't get me wrong. Pedrroia led the AL in hits, runs scored, and was second in batting average. Granted, Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk was in the top 7 of every single offensive statistic in the AL (literally, every single offensive statistic), but what did he lead in? Nothing. Perdrioa hit steadily in the 2 hold all season, while Youuuuuuuuuuuuk was asked to shift around the batting order to make up for the devastating injuries and gaps in the lineup, and did so batting above .300 for every month of the grueling season. I'd also like to mention that Padrioa was the AL Gold Glover at 2nd base: Youuuuuuuk was not. Even though Youuuuuuuuuuuk was a former first base GG winner, his 4 errors in 125 games at first didn't quite cut it, and his 3 errors at 3rd base in 36 games there hurt his overall game. Despite his ability to play hard-nose defense on both infield corners, his 7 errors gave a clear message against Perdia's 6 errors in a 157 games at second. I can't imagine Youuuuuuuuuuuuuk would be upset: he's making $3 million dollars a year as one of the league's premier corner infielders and building a reputation one of the game's most patient hitters that can advance runners and has plenty of power. That is enough to make this star sleep cozy in his bed at night.
3. Seriously. Seriously. What is the buzz behind the movie and book series, "Twilight"? Is it legit, Ollivander??
- Deedee from Mintein, MO
I have to be honest, I have not read or seen "Twilight". From what I know, I think it sounds legit in every sense. It is about forbidden teenage love, which we can all relate to. I think back to our feuding families of fair Verona, where the Montagues and Capulets longstanding battle disallowed and disapproved of Romeo and Juliet's love affair. The only twist in "Twilight" of course, is that the girl is a teenager. She wants to love, but can't. The teenage girl is terrified of what may become of their love: that she will get her neck bitten because her lover boy is a vampire. At one point in the series, apparently, she is also pursued and courted by a ware wolf. I had to think to myself: would I rather love a vampire or a ware wolf? It's like choosing to watch "The Wonder Years" or "Family Ties": both are different in genre, but equally satisfying.
--
Keep the emails coming, and mailbag #2 will be on its way soon.
Cheers.
1. Hi Ollivander! I recently read that with Obama becoming our 44th president-elect, most of our economic woes will be washing away. Where should I be looking for improvements in my life?
- Justine from Lower Marion, PA
Great to hear from you, Justine. I think that the most obvious place to look for improvements from the Bush regime (note the use of the word regime, and not administration) is dramatic price difference behind the gas pump. During the height of the war of gas prices, I was paying upwards of $3.84 per gallon. With a 16 gallon tank on a fuel-efficient Toyota, I was paying approximately $61 just to fill it up. Add that up, and here is what you get: $61 per week, $244 per month, and $2928 per year; with my car's shelf life at about 10 years, that is $29,280 in gas for the life of the car. This is a bit absurd, and I blame much of this on Bush's fundamentally broken foreign policy. This is a consequence that we have had to pay, and I did not ask for this. As a result of Obama's win, prices have dropped to about $1.89 per gallon. Let's do the math again: to fill up my 16 gallon tank, it now cost about $30 per week, $120 per month, and $1440 per year. The difference between a Bush administration receipt at the pump and a soon-to-be-Obama administration is $1448. I should add that this is not even full-court-press Obama: he is only in transition. Justine: President-Elect Obama does not even need a stimulus package; Obama has single-handily crafted an economic scheme to trickle down from the pumps to the pockets. Our wallets will be bigger from the savings in gas prices, which will allow the number of foreclosures to decrease, and for the prices of commodities to drop when demand and supply reshift its equilibrium to a state that is both sustainable and efficient. And, it is only November.
2. Ollie-- what do you think about Peodria winning the MPV award hands-down over Yoooooooooouk? Would you be pissed if you were Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk?
- Sam (President-Elect of Red Sox Nation) from Needham, MA
Sam, what a great question. I think the biggest thing that the beat writers were looking for was attitude. Numbers help, don't get me wrong. Pedrroia led the AL in hits, runs scored, and was second in batting average. Granted, Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk was in the top 7 of every single offensive statistic in the AL (literally, every single offensive statistic), but what did he lead in? Nothing. Perdrioa hit steadily in the 2 hold all season, while Youuuuuuuuuuuuk was asked to shift around the batting order to make up for the devastating injuries and gaps in the lineup, and did so batting above .300 for every month of the grueling season. I'd also like to mention that Padrioa was the AL Gold Glover at 2nd base: Youuuuuuuk was not. Even though Youuuuuuuuuuuk was a former first base GG winner, his 4 errors in 125 games at first didn't quite cut it, and his 3 errors at 3rd base in 36 games there hurt his overall game. Despite his ability to play hard-nose defense on both infield corners, his 7 errors gave a clear message against Perdia's 6 errors in a 157 games at second. I can't imagine Youuuuuuuuuuuuuk would be upset: he's making $3 million dollars a year as one of the league's premier corner infielders and building a reputation one of the game's most patient hitters that can advance runners and has plenty of power. That is enough to make this star sleep cozy in his bed at night.
3. Seriously. Seriously. What is the buzz behind the movie and book series, "Twilight"? Is it legit, Ollivander??
- Deedee from Mintein, MO
I have to be honest, I have not read or seen "Twilight". From what I know, I think it sounds legit in every sense. It is about forbidden teenage love, which we can all relate to. I think back to our feuding families of fair Verona, where the Montagues and Capulets longstanding battle disallowed and disapproved of Romeo and Juliet's love affair. The only twist in "Twilight" of course, is that the girl is a teenager. She wants to love, but can't. The teenage girl is terrified of what may become of their love: that she will get her neck bitten because her lover boy is a vampire. At one point in the series, apparently, she is also pursued and courted by a ware wolf. I had to think to myself: would I rather love a vampire or a ware wolf? It's like choosing to watch "The Wonder Years" or "Family Ties": both are different in genre, but equally satisfying.
--
Keep the emails coming, and mailbag #2 will be on its way soon.
Cheers.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
calling all 5'5" and under
here is the guide for 5'5" men (and under) to feel bigger. to feel empowered in a world where the average height of men are 5'9". there are 10 simple steps to making up those 4".
1. road rage. nothing screams BIG like someone that gets readily impatient behind the wheel. cut me off? i'll f-in tail you to your house. don't use your blinker when turning? i'll lay on the horn and give you the finger. drive too slow? i'll ride your ass to the next stop light, roll down my window, and stare at you. the more aggression you show behind 2 tons of steel, the bigger you look.
2. act smart. when someone says something that is obviously stupid, flash them a look that says, "that was so stupid. how did you even manage to get your pants on this morning??" use big words in short sentences. anything to make others self-conscience about themselves will make you larger.
3. spit. spit everywhere you go. on the sidewalk, in the park, spit spit spit. no one wants to mess with someone that spits.
4. lift weights. if you are going to be small, at least be wide. be jacked. make yourself look like a strong safety for an NFL team. remove your neck from your anatomy. if you are short on time, just lift for your shoulders and biceps. nothing else matters.
5. stuff your pants. does this really need an explanation?
6. stage an argument. have a friend meet you at a bar. make sure he is a solid 6 inches taller than you, but no more... otherwise it won't be believable. spill your drink on him a little bit. have him blow up and look like a belligerent jerk. stay level headed, but don't back down. show that you are tough, and will defend yourself, but you aren't a crazy dude that goes around picking fights. make sure your friend is ok with getting thrown out of the bar.
7. get a dog. get a medium sized dog. small dogs are for wimps. big dogs will make you look even smaller. make sure your dog also has an awesome name, like bill.
8. shoes. pick your shoes carefully. sandals are ok... but not as good as boots. boots are a guaranteed 2 inches.
9. tight clothes. size small. always. make it form fitting, and you'll look a little bit better. this is only if you don't have a gut. if you have a gut, tight clothing will have the reverse effect and you will just look short and fat.
10. clap a lot. seriously, it works. loud noises from little hands will surely make people turn and think, "what large person can create that kind of volume from their hands??"
1. road rage. nothing screams BIG like someone that gets readily impatient behind the wheel. cut me off? i'll f-in tail you to your house. don't use your blinker when turning? i'll lay on the horn and give you the finger. drive too slow? i'll ride your ass to the next stop light, roll down my window, and stare at you. the more aggression you show behind 2 tons of steel, the bigger you look.
2. act smart. when someone says something that is obviously stupid, flash them a look that says, "that was so stupid. how did you even manage to get your pants on this morning??" use big words in short sentences. anything to make others self-conscience about themselves will make you larger.
3. spit. spit everywhere you go. on the sidewalk, in the park, spit spit spit. no one wants to mess with someone that spits.
4. lift weights. if you are going to be small, at least be wide. be jacked. make yourself look like a strong safety for an NFL team. remove your neck from your anatomy. if you are short on time, just lift for your shoulders and biceps. nothing else matters.
5. stuff your pants. does this really need an explanation?
6. stage an argument. have a friend meet you at a bar. make sure he is a solid 6 inches taller than you, but no more... otherwise it won't be believable. spill your drink on him a little bit. have him blow up and look like a belligerent jerk. stay level headed, but don't back down. show that you are tough, and will defend yourself, but you aren't a crazy dude that goes around picking fights. make sure your friend is ok with getting thrown out of the bar.
7. get a dog. get a medium sized dog. small dogs are for wimps. big dogs will make you look even smaller. make sure your dog also has an awesome name, like bill.
8. shoes. pick your shoes carefully. sandals are ok... but not as good as boots. boots are a guaranteed 2 inches.
9. tight clothes. size small. always. make it form fitting, and you'll look a little bit better. this is only if you don't have a gut. if you have a gut, tight clothing will have the reverse effect and you will just look short and fat.
10. clap a lot. seriously, it works. loud noises from little hands will surely make people turn and think, "what large person can create that kind of volume from their hands??"
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Radiohead is an Act of God
"This song is about the unspeakable. Literally skull-crushing... It was hailing violently when we recorded this. Some people can't sleep with the curtains open in case they see the eyes they imagine in their heads every night burning through the glass. This song is about the cupboard monster." -THOM YORKE
What the fuck?!
Okay, if that didn't scare the shit out of you, then you either don't have a pulse or you're not actually a cognitive being. Honestly. He just said that.
Okay. Radiohead. A band. Went into a giant mansion in the English countryside in 1997. During a hailstorm. And laid down one of the most haunting and fucking epic tracks ever recorded in the history of the human race.
"Climbing Up The Walls" comes to us from OK Computer, Radiohead's now-legendary release that sends critics into fits and fans into aural orgasms.
Okay, in my opinion, this track begins at 3:08... when Greenwood starts playing the theramin and all hell breaks loose. Layered in are guitar solos that would dominate Hendrix with their precision and string arrangements that would make Leonard Bernstein come in his trousers.
Beside "climax" in the dictionary, there's sheet music for this song.
The last 1:30 of this track is literally the soundtrack to the apocalypse. The devil emerges from hell and gives a long, loud roar in the sky before attacking the earth.
This is what the end of the world sounds like.
So it's an appropriate name for the song... because all I want to do after hearing it is climb up the walls and escape.
This is terrifyingly good music.
Listen to "Climbing Up the Walls" by clicking here.
What the fuck?!
Okay, if that didn't scare the shit out of you, then you either don't have a pulse or you're not actually a cognitive being. Honestly. He just said that.
Okay. Radiohead. A band. Went into a giant mansion in the English countryside in 1997. During a hailstorm. And laid down one of the most haunting and fucking epic tracks ever recorded in the history of the human race.
"Climbing Up The Walls" comes to us from OK Computer, Radiohead's now-legendary release that sends critics into fits and fans into aural orgasms.
Okay, in my opinion, this track begins at 3:08... when Greenwood starts playing the theramin and all hell breaks loose. Layered in are guitar solos that would dominate Hendrix with their precision and string arrangements that would make Leonard Bernstein come in his trousers.
Beside "climax" in the dictionary, there's sheet music for this song.
The last 1:30 of this track is literally the soundtrack to the apocalypse. The devil emerges from hell and gives a long, loud roar in the sky before attacking the earth.
This is what the end of the world sounds like.
So it's an appropriate name for the song... because all I want to do after hearing it is climb up the walls and escape.
This is terrifyingly good music.
Listen to "Climbing Up the Walls" by clicking here.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
3 music videos worth seeing
cornelius - fit song
sugar anyone?
prodigy - mac 10 handle
this is some cold shit.
alabama - dixieland delight
ah, the wink. comforting, yet awkward.
sugar anyone?
prodigy - mac 10 handle
this is some cold shit.
alabama - dixieland delight
ah, the wink. comforting, yet awkward.
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