calling all 5'5" and under

here is the guide for 5'5" men (and under) to feel bigger. to feel empowered in a world where the average height of men are 5'9". there are 10 simple steps to making up those 4".


1. road rage. nothing screams BIG like someone that gets readily impatient behind the wheel. cut me off? i'll f-in tail you to your house. don't use your blinker when turning? i'll lay on the horn and give you the finger. drive too slow? i'll ride your ass to the next stop light, roll down my window, and stare at you. the more aggression you show behind 2 tons of steel, the bigger you look.

2. act smart. when someone says something that is obviously stupid, flash them a look that says, "that was so stupid. how did you even manage to get your pants on this morning??" use big words in short sentences. anything to make others self-conscience about themselves will make you larger.

3. spit. spit everywhere you go. on the sidewalk, in the park, spit spit spit. no one wants to mess with someone that spits.

4. lift weights. if you are going to be small, at least be wide. be jacked. make yourself look like a strong safety for an NFL team. remove your neck from your anatomy. if you are short on time, just lift for your shoulders and biceps. nothing else matters.

5. stuff your pants. does this really need an explanation?

6. stage an argument. have a friend meet you at a bar. make sure he is a solid 6 inches taller than you, but no more... otherwise it won't be believable. spill your drink on him a little bit. have him blow up and look like a belligerent jerk. stay level headed, but don't back down. show that you are tough, and will defend yourself, but you aren't a crazy dude that goes around picking fights. make sure your friend is ok with getting thrown out of the bar.

7. get a dog. get a medium sized dog. small dogs are for wimps. big dogs will make you look even smaller. make sure your dog also has an awesome name, like bill.

8. shoes. pick your shoes carefully. sandals are ok... but not as good as boots. boots are a guaranteed 2 inches.

9. tight clothes. size small. always. make it form fitting, and you'll look a little bit better. this is only if you don't have a gut. if you have a gut, tight clothing will have the reverse effect and you will just look short and fat.

10. clap a lot. seriously, it works. loud noises from little hands will surely make people turn and think, "what large person can create that kind of volume from their hands??"